i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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