you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
