The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
