Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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