half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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