i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
