i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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