I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
