I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
