remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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