i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
