so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
