I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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