so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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