i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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