I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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