New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
