Swine flu. Run for my life!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
