so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
