Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
