it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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