I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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