so explain again why im purple
no
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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