i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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