Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This is my gift to your gina
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
