i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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