now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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