when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just gargled with NyQuil
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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