If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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