This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
