the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
