somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
