I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
