i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
