Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
