dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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