smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
