That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
