U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
