i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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