I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
