Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize