Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
