My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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