this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
