did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
