It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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