STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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