good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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