She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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