Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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