I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
