I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
