Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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