i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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